Belinda Etezad Rachman Family Law Blog on Lawyers.com

This will probably surprise you but divorce is NOT a
legal issue, it is a personal issue and most people should get a
divorce with little or no lawyer involvement. If you want to have the
smoothest divorce possible the solution is to resolve your problems
outside of court.

1. Avoid Lawyers and Courts as much as
possible! The first thing you should know is that our legal system is
not child-focused or family-friendly; it is adversarial by nature. The
emotional and financial price you pay when you each hire separate
divorce lawyers is higher than you can now imagine. Before I became a
divorce attorney I was a special education teacher. My Masters is in
Special Education, focusing on teaching severely emotionally disturbed
children, so I came to the law with a powerful bias to act only in the
best interest of the children. That is NOT the focus of most divorce
lawyers. Many divorce lawyers are very comfortable spending a client's
college fund instead of quickly and economically helping the couple to
negotiate a fair deal. After 8 years of litigation and witnessing the
total financial and emotional devastation of too many families, I vowed
to no longer take adversarial divorces and to do only divorce
mediation. In the following 6 years, after working with over 250
couples with 100% success rate, I am convinced that divorce mediation
should be the solution of first resort for 85% of the couples who are
contemplating divorce.

2. Learn the divorce laws in your state.
It is easier to deal with a situation when basic information is already
known. In the 8 community property states (Arizona, California, Idaho,
Louisiana, Nevada, New Mexico, Texas, Washington and Wisconsin)
property division is pretty clear. What ever was totally owned prior to
marriage or received by gift or inheritance is separate property that
goes to the spouse who owns it. If it was partially paid for using
wages or income earned during the marriage, the "community" gains an
interest in it that can be calculated. Division of property in
community property states is one of the easiest issues to deal with
because it is so clear cut. But what about the other 42 states? These
states use an equitable distribution system to divide marital property.
Each state has its own rules that can be ascertained prior to starting
the divorce process. So there is some uncertainty in non community
property states but an experienced lawyer/mediator generally knows what
the court will do in most situations and can be a valuable guide to
couples who are unfamiliar with the laws. All states have some kind of
guideline child and or spousal support rules. Paralegals in your area
will have the state program or otherwise be able to help you determine
what support should be. There is nothing to fight about. Would you
think of arguing about whether or not 2+2+4? It is a math problem that
does not require a court fight unless someone is hiding income.

3.
Acknowledge that PARENTS are the best people to decide child issues!
Custody is the issue that needs to be settled outside of court! The bad
feelings that come from litigating child issue will ruin any ability to
co-parent later. A judge might look at the papers you file for a few
minutes but often they are looking at your papers while the attorneys
are arguing. You only get a limited amount of court time and then a
decision will be made by a stranger who does not know or care about you
or your children. It makes NO SENSE to put yourself at the mercy of
lawyers and judges who will tell you how to raise your children. A far
better approach is to use the services of a child therapist or another
parent who has successfully raised their own children. Go to a
therapist or trusted friend and let them act as a judge. They have more
insight into the two of you than a judge would. Why make strangers rich
by hiring lawyers? It is to their benefit to keep the two of you
fighting.

4. Find out about the alternative to divorce court:
mediation. In litigated divorce cases, child custody and visitation
issues can be the most contentious and emotional. As described above,
you can and should deal with child issues outside of court. If the
parents can agree to a custody arrangement, which they eventually do in
90% of custody cases, they can avoid court altogether. Why should a
couple wait until they are on the courthouse steps to make a deal? Only
10% of custody cases are litigated. The courts typically apply a "best
interest of the child" standard in determining who should get primary
custody. You know the parents themselves are in the best position to
decide how their children should be raised. When a couple works
together in mediation they are in control of the final outcome, not
lawyers or judges. When the couple has an intention to effectively
co-parent by always keeping the best interest of the child foremost in
their mind, they will produce a much more satisfying outcome than if a
solution is imposed upon them from above. Child custody issues are the
most inappropriate issues to be decided within an adversarial system.
The win/lose game that is played in court always results in tension
between the parents. Not only will this tension negatively affect the
health and happiness of the parents but the children will be caught in
the middle of a battle, ducking verbal and emotional bullets as they
fly over their heads. The adversarial system does not protect the
co-parenting relationship of parents and should be avoided if at all
possible. An emotionally vulnerable client in the hands of a "zealous
advocate" who is more concerned with enriching themselves than in
helping their client is a dangerous combination. Working with an
attorney/mediator protects the couple by having an expert giving them
legal information in a way that does not encourage them to fight.

5.
How to find the mediator who is right for you? The phone book is full
of divorce attorneys. How do you know who to trust? When looking for a
mediator it is best to avoid the wolves in sheep's clothing. You do not
want an attorney who primarily practices adversarial law. While it is
best to use a mediator who is an experienced lawyer so they can give
accurate legal information to the couple, you want to use someone who
focuses primarily or better yet, exclusively on mediation instead of
litigation. Ask the mediator how many mediations they have done (the
more the better), what their success rate is, how long it takes and the
cost. Then compare the answers to see who the two of you like best.

In
conclusion, the primary thing to keep in mind is that avoiding divorce
attorneys and court should be your #1 priority if you want to protect
your health, spirit, co-parenting relationship and pocketbook. The
divorce process is an emotional and personal situation, not a legal
situation. Because so many people have already been divorced, there are
no more mysteries. All the legal questions have already been answered
so an experienced divorce lawyer who is acting as the mediator, will
have a good idea of what the court would order. There is no reason to
fight. But mediation is not for everyone. Approximately 15% of the
population are high conflict personality types. You have met these
people before. They have problems with all the people in their life, at
work, school, home, family, etc. They thrive on drama and create a lot
of problems for themselves and others. Ask your friends if that sounds
like you or your spouse. If so, consider if that really works in your
life. With a powerful intention you can create more peace by changing
your outlook and actions. You may even save your marriage. If both of
you agree that it is best to move on as single people and are rational
enough to work together instead of making divorce lawyers rich, then
take a good look at mediation. You only get one chance to create a
peaceful divorce. Your children will thank you for not putting them in
the middle of a nasty court fight.