Issues involving children during a divorce or custody dispute can lead to intense emotions and stress on the children. Mediation of child custody issues has many benefits over the traditional adversarial litigation process. It's normally less stressful, easier on the children and more flexible in custody arrangements that are unique to each family situation. However, there're still difficult issues in mediation that can come up during the child custody negotiations between you and the other parent.

Common Themes and Dilemmas

In mediation, you need to be open minded and willing to listen to the other side. A neutral third-party, or mediator, will help you identify the child custody issues that need solutions. You and the other parent will then discuss and negotiate solutions to resolve the issues. Several common themes and dilemmas can arise during these discussions:

  • New interest in parenting
  • One home base for the child
  • Remarriages
  • Long-distance relationships and move-aways
  • Uniformity in each house
  • Child care

The main focus that should guide these discussions is what's in the best interests of the child.

New Interest in Parenting

In many marriages, one spouse handles more of the parenting duties while the other spouse spends longer hours working to financially support the family. This situation sometimes leads to divorce because the spouses are unhappy with the division of labor and have failed to work out their dissatisfaction. The spouse with more of the parenting duties sometimes sees the other spouse's new interest in parenting as an injustice. Both parties should recognize that mediation is an opportunity to redesign the custody plan. You and the other parent can renegotiate the parenting roles in a manner that satisfies both of you.

One Home Base for the Child

Many parents believe the child needs to have a home base for stability and continuity. However, the focus should be on the stability and continuity of the child's relationships with the important people in his life and not on where he sleeps every night. You and the other parent should discuss how to reconstruct a safe and caring community that will surround the child.

Remarriages

A remarriage can sometimes cause both parents to relive the same disputed issues in their original divorce. Everyone faces new tasks and a change in circumstances. A remarriage calls for the family to reorganize itself to take in the new member.

Long Distance Relationships and Move-Aways

When one parent decides to move away, it changes the complexity of the custody issue. The custody schedule might have to change, and travel plans will have to be determined because of the extra distance. The financial capability of the parents will be a major factor in the type and frequency of travel for the child.

Uniformity in Each House

Different parental practices in each of the parent's houses can result in disputes. Normally, older children are able to live with a fair degree of discrepancy between the two parents. Younger children usually have a more difficult time with differences in routine and schedules. It will help your child know his boundaries for behavior if you and the other parent have uniform discipline methods.

Child Care

Parents must decide the issue of child care when they are away from their child during their custodial time. Many times you'll happily take care of your child when the other parent has another commitment. However, you might feel like a babysitter if it happens too many times. You and the other parent need to negotiate your preferences on child care for these circumstances.

Questions for Your Attorney

  • Will I be able to change the child custody arrangement if I decide to move to another state?
  • What should I do if I have different discipline ideas than the other parent?
  • If I take a job that requires more working hours, will the other parent take care of my child during this time?
  • What can I expect from mediation if I know that my ex-spouse and I will likely not be able to cooperate when it comes to the children? What might our custody arrangement look like?