Loving Your Divorce Lawyer Text Size:

Your divorce lawyer is a source of comfort, knowledge and strength in a time of crisis. He or she may seem loving, caring, competent and confident. You may fall in love with your lawyer. But if you do, it will be a romance that is fundamentally flawed.

When I raise this issue with other lawyers, I usually get some argument about how the client can decide to leave the lawyer at any time. And technically, the client does have a choice whether to continue using that lawyer.

But realistically, it's not much of a choice. She's paid a sizable retainer, and feels locked in. It was excruciatingly painful baring her soul to this lawyer, and she can't stand the thought of spilling her guts onto yet another lawyer's conference room table. No, she will stay and make the best of it.

Lawyers don't realize the power they have with their clients. And that makes it more likely they will abuse that power.

What do I mean by "power"? Let's take a look at what makes divorce lawyers powerful and what makes their clients vulnerable. I'm not saying that every divorce lawyer/client relationship has these elements, but most of them are present in most relationships:

But by far the most striking power difference lies in what you're going through when you're dealing with divorce. You're in crisis and vulnerable. The typical lawyer is not in crisis: he or she has been through this before, hundreds of times. They're calm, collected and in charge.

Lawyers like me have power in relation to divorce clients like you. We can abuse you. Don't let us.

The romantic feelings you may have for your lawyer cannot be real. Here's why:

You may decide that the sexual relationship you dream of having, or are having, with your lawyer is a matter between two consenting adults. But what is consent? Consent requires both the right to say no and the power to say no. It requires roughly equal power. Your power is nowhere near that of your lawyer. Because of this, there is no way you can give meaningful consent to a sexual relationship with your lawyer.

It's Not About Love

Any sexual relationship between a divorce lawyer and his or her current client is not love. It's not "just an affair," "time out from the stress of the case" or "relaxing together." It is not the "real love you always needed."

Any sexual relationship between a divorce lawyer and his or her client is, purely and simply, sexual abuse. The lawyer is the abuser and the client is the victim.

Some people undergoing divorces are obviously less vulnerable than others. But anyone going through divorce is a potential victim.

I talk about this issue with lawyers, but they just don't get it. Even when bar associations get involved - and they do: pick up any listing of lawyers disciplined for ethical violations, and you'll see one or two instances of discipline for lawyers' sexual relations with their clients - they tend to look at it as a problem only because it "clouds the independent judgment of the attorney." To me, that problem seems small compared with the very real harm caused by sexual abuse.

I'm not suggesting there are a bunch of malicious lawyers out there fiendishly planning their next sexual conquest. Although I am confident that some divorce lawyers are sexual predators, many more are simply naive. They don't realize the impact of the power differential and the way it can poison an attorney/client relationship.

My friend Sue Talia puts it this way:

"We all need to be reminded from time to time that that client with whom we connect so well may be having fantasies and expectations we couldn't imagine. Lots of lawyers aren't sexual predators, but their very naiveté might encourage the unsuspecting client to have expectations which, though never acted on, cloud the client's judgment and cause them to accept a bad settlement (or other advice they otherwise wouldn't follow) because they want the lawyer's approval. I've seen it happen, without bad motives or misbehavior on either side."

Lawyers can't understand how much power they have in relation to their clients, and how vulnerable their clients are to being abused. The only way I know to deal with it is to tell you about it. If you don't need this, maybe you know someone who does.

Lee Borden is a lawyer and divorce mediator based in Birmingham, Ala., who loves his work. His Web site, divorceinfo.com, includes other articles.

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