Mediating Your Divorce

Divorce mediation still feels like a new idea in some parts of the country, but it's increasingly well known and widely accepted. Mediation means different things to different people.

In the form I recommend, you and your spouse would both sit down in the same room with a neutral mediator. With the mediator's help, you would work through all the issues you need to resolve to get through your divorce - stuff like property division, parenting plans and child and spousal support.

Although there certainly are different styles of mediation, there are several things you can depend on no matter what style your mediator uses. Mediation is:

• Flexible
• Confidential
• Gives you and your spouse a way to settle the conflict that is inevitable in any divorce in a way that helps you to work together as parents after your divorce.

The Mediator's Role

The mediator remains neutral between the husband and the wife. That means the mediator can't give advice to either party, and also can't act as a lawyer for either party.

I think the mediator's peculiar role as a neutral party is the key to what makes the process work. Because the mediator is neutral, he or she can throw out ideas that both sides may have thought about but neither side wants to suggest. The mediator also develops credibility with both parties that is usually absent for either party or for either party's lawyer.

While lawyers love to make proposals and defend positions, a good mediator will steer the parties away from proposals and positions and toward accomplishing goals. A skilled mediator can also act as a "closer," gently guiding the parties to an actual agreement rather than letting discussions drag on.

Mediators also point out things that each spouse should know about what they're trying to accomplish. That open and free exchange of information makes it easier to negotiate in confidence. Because you're working with the same base of information, it usually takes far less time to negotiate a resolution that makes sense to both spouses.

You're welcome to bring your lawyer to mediation if you want, or you can use your lawyer as an advisor between sessions.

Mediation is voluntary. It continues only for as long as all three of you - you, your spouse and the mediator - want it to.

Your mediator has to have a good reason to withdraw. But you or your spouse can withdraw from mediation at any time - for a good reason, a bad reason, or no reason at all.

People often ask, "Does mediation really work?" In a word, yes. Mediation produces agreement in 50 to 80 percent of cases.

And we know from years of research that when you compare couples who have mediated their divorce with couples who go through an adversarial divorce, mediating couples are:

• More likely to be satisfied with the process and the results
• More likely to spend less time and money
• Less likely to go back to court later to fight about something.

The main advantage of mediation is that it keeps you and your spouse in control of your own divorce. That can make all the difference in recovering from your divorce and moving on with your life.

Mediation allows the two of you to get through the process with less conflict than you would experience in an adversarial divorce. Because mediation is all about working with shared knowledge, mediation also often allows you and your spouse to work together to lower your tax bill, and that can often translate into more money for you.

Lee Borden is a lawyer and divorce mediator based in Birmingham, Ala., who loves his work. His Web site, divorceinfo.com, includes other articles.

Divorce Message Board for more help