When you know and accept your divorce is a reality, you may tell yourself that you'll do your best to stay in control, and get through it all. Most people make that same promise and succeed. Life goes on. You want to get through the process, hope your legal bill doesn't get out of control and move ahead with your life.

But there's no question that some people do make mistakes in divorce - big mistakes. And unfortunately, because of the nature of divorce, we often have to live with those mistakes for years, sometimes even for the rest of our lives.

It's hard to keep it together, and it's easy to lose sight of your goals as you move through your divorce. A divorce can wear anyone down - emotionally, physically and financially. Mistakes in your divorce can affect you life for years to come. Recognize and know how to avoid mistakes you may regret later.

Who Is in Control?

You are. Your lawyer is your counsel. People can easily forget it's their divorce and not their lawyer's. It's important to listen and consider your lawyer's valuable advice and guidance, but remember, you make the decisions in the end. Ask questions when you don't understand something fully, and be informed as you make decisions. It can be overwhelming, but well worth it in the end. 

"Help" from Others

Take well-intended advice with a grain of salt. Unlike your lawyer, whom you've hired to represent you, advice from well-meaning friends and family may cause more harm than good. If those close to you aren't giving you the support you need, in the way you need it, or they challenge your judgment, give yourself some space.

"Help" from Your Spouse

Don't try to win points with your spouse. One spouse may take action or agree to terms that aren't in their best interests to influence the other spouse's actions. A spouse may try to win their soon-to-be ex-spouse back by agreeing to terms in the divorce they wouldn't agree to otherwise. The tactic won't work, and you may be left with even more regret, resentment and frustration.

Keep Your Eye on Your Future

Don't sell yourself short while making your way through your divorce. It can be exhausting, you want it over and you want to move on. It's easy to just say "yes" to a settlement term, even though you may regret it later. Remember, it probably won't be easy and can be expensive to make changes to support and custody terms later on.

Taxes

Divorce is taxing and affects your taxes. Make sure you know how property division and support issues affect your Form 1040 each April. Don't assume your divorce lawyer can give you the answers you need on the tax implications in your case. You may need tax planning help.

How can divorce affect your taxes? Taxes could change your view on the value of an item or asset in property division. For example, the family home and a stock portfolio may have equal values today, but factor in taxes, maybe upon sale later on, and the numbers may look very different.

Income tax is another issue. Alimony and unallocated support (money paid as child support and alimony combined) is taxed income to the recipient; the payer gets a deduction. Child support isn't income to the recipient, and there's no deduction to the payer. Think of your finances now and down the road.

Support, Custody and Visitation

Think of your daily life years in the future and the impact from your divorce. How you try to structure support and child custody issues are the key concerns.

In most states, parents are encouraged to work out a parenting plan, instead of having the court decide, and many state laws favor joint custody as the first-choice custody arrangement. Don't be too quick to agree to child custody terms if you think they won't work. People are different - some can successfully co-parent after divorce. Others will return to court more than anyone would like to see, and it gets expensive. You and your spouse know each other very well, so be realistic about how you'll get along after the divorce.

Give thought to how support terms are structured. For example, you may want to try to include support terms for future events, such as children's college expenses, even if they're still very young. You may have preferences in the terms of your spousal support, for example, you'd like to try to negotiate for more support while getting back into the job market or completing school, rather than support for a longer time.

Divorce is stressful, your case can't wrap up soon enough and sometimes you just don't want to think about it all. Take a deep breath, take one step at a time and keep in control.

Questions for Your Attorney

  • I'll face a huge change in household income after the divorce, can you help me preview what my income taxes will look like once the divorce is final?
  • Can our divorce decree include terms for future expenses for the children, such as college, even if we don't include set dollar amounts? Can we "agree to agree" and work out the details later?
  • Are there added issues to think about if my ex-spouse is self-employed?